Journal of the Damned

2010-01-04T20:10:00.001-08:00

I haven't been here for a while.
I'm not going to lie, I forgot about you journal.
But I need you now, and I'm glad you're here for me.
Here's how the last year has been.
I met someone.
Fell for him.
Told him.
He ran.
I have never been so hurt in my life.
I regained my focus.
Graduated college.
Got licensed. (Not driver's, I've had that for a while)
Kept my same job, still not loving it.
My best friend graduated too, but went back to University.
I haven't heard from her much since she got a boyfriend.
Much rather be with him than with me for any amount of time.
He came back, because he missed me.
It was the biggest mistake he ever made.
I forgave him.
We talked every minute of everyday for months.
Things were great.
But then he drifted away.
Busy, he said.
Depressed, he said.
I was there for him.
The only person who was.
He told me never to forget that he loved to talk to me.
I can't help but forget.
Now I need them,
like they needed me.
But they're not here.
I don't understand how you can be there for someone,
listen for hours,
hold them when they cry,
and pull blades out of their hands.
But they can't even answer a fucking text message?
I feel so alone.

2008-09-11T22:19:00.001-07:00

I think you've stopped caring about me.
I don't know.

2008-09-04T20:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I hope that the cancer will come back. I'm way to scared to ever be able to kill myself.

2008-08-31T13:16:00.001-07:00

Today I found a book I wanted in the self help section.

Then I realized, I might actually need some.

2008-08-27T22:58:00.000-07:00

I would really like you to know that I love you.
I would really like to know what's wrong with me.
I would really like to not be clinically depressed.
I would really like for my iTunes to stop plotting against me.

2008-08-16T18:41:00.000-07:00

So called best friend. You won't even come to see me before you leave for school! You won't make time for me to come see you. You don't understand how much I depend on you, especially when I'm feeling the way I am. I need you. I love you, why can't you understand that? Because you have this amazing talent for making people love you, making them want to be near you, making them feel close to you, when you aren't really close to them at all. I've been sucked in, I've fallen in love with you and you could care less. I wonder how you really feel about me...

2008-08-16T12:19:00.001-07:00

I guess I should introduce myself.

I'm nameless, for now.
I'm 19 and live in Canada.
I'm learning to be a funeral director.
I live on my own.
I have a kitten who I love.
There is a boy I love, but I can't say I have.
There is a girl who I want, but can't have.
I love the work I do.
My spirit is being slowly crushed by the people that I work with.
Music is my life force, it keeps me going.
I love my friends and miss them dearly.
I had a malignant tumour removed earlier this year.
I don't know if it's coming back.
I'm lonely.
I smoke, but not hardcore.
I drink, when I can afford it.
Looking for somewhere to anonymously put down my thoughts.
I think I found it.